Cast of Characters

Barry - Ex-College lineman with a healthy appetite for Maker's Mark Whiskey.  I met Barry in 1998 while attending Adrian College.  Barry, with the assistance of many, many cans of Beast Light, is responsible for the annihilation of more of my brain cells than any other single individual on the planet.  Barry was quite the marksman in respect to the cerebral holocaust he committed on my poor gray ball of enlightenment; he managed to only destroy brain cells that caused me to experience feelings of kindness, conformity, compassion, tolerance, remorse or repentance.  Essentially he, more than any other individual I've ever encountered, turned me from a nice, good-natured, respectful, 19 year-old kid into a self-assured, pretentious asshole. 

MKW - Everyone has a friend like MKW in their group: Book-smart and well educated, yet dumb as a box of rocks when it comes to every day practical shit.  The kind of friend with a heart of gold, would do anything for you and never ask a damn thing in return. 

My favorite MKW story kinda sums it up: 

Upon moving into his first apartment after graduating college, MKW had a party. 

MKW opens the microwave and removed his freshly-popped popcorn.  He pours some in a 'bowl' and sits next to Barry on the couch. 

"Check out this strange bowl that was in the cupboard when I moved in.  The last people must have forgotten it.  It seems fine except it has this little hole right in the center." 

Barry lifts the bowl straight up to examine the bottom and laughs. 

"That's not a bowl you fucking idiot.  That's a spare light fixture." 

MKW gets this befuddled look on his face, then looks up at the kitchen ceiling and notices the fixture on his kitchen light. 

"Ohh!!!   Hahahaha!!!  No shit?!?!?!"

Maniac - Maniac is another ex-jock.  Maniac goes to great length to maintain his physique.  At 6'2" 230 lbs and about 8% bodyfat, he is a hit with the ladies too.  Another quality guy who stops at nothing to help a friend.  This was exemplified when he contributed to my delinquency like no person not named Barry ever has by presenting me with his expired driver's license, shortly after I turned 19 years old.  Our likenesses are rather similar, and at three years my senior, it was the perfect fake-ID. 

Juan - Juan is hispanic only in appearance.  Biologically, he is 100% honky.  A quality guy with quality drinking habits, Juan's only shortcomings lie in his drunken air-guitar strum-alongs and his inappropriate excessive yakking after several hours of carousing.  If Juan's dick were as big as his mouth is, he'd have gotten a lot more pussy in college.

Kyle - My roommate in college during my final two semesters at Adrian.

If there were ever two roommates in college that didn’t belong together, it was Kyle and I.  It’s not that he was a bad guy.  He is just the polar opposite of me.  Kyle didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, basically he didn’t really ever leave the room other than to go to class or to answer the door when he was expecting a pizza.  Not that this is really a bad thing, other than the fact that this cut into my ‘self love’ time that I was not accustomed to sacrificing.

Kyle was tolerant of my antics and I was accepting of his hermit lifestyle, for the first three months we hardly spoke to one another.  Then, Kyle discovered internet chat lines.