Your rant about MTV is unjustified!  Have you ever seen room raiders. .  . the gay episodes?   Quality viewing!  Broaden your horizons and surrender to the mind rot!  [name redacted]

Not only is my 'rant' justified, it is necessary in the overall scheme of things to point out the complete filth that is the programming of MTV.  Yes, I have witnessed the steaming pile of horse feces called 'Room Raiders'.  All I can think of when I watched it was how do they find these idiots?  You think I would ever let some random chick blacklight my comforter for splooge stains?  It is horrifically atrocious.  The homo episodes are even worse.

Submitted Feb 21, 2006

Gross dude, I don't wanna get a boner off stuff you write.  [Alan from poker, in reference to this story.]

Maybe if you weren't such a perv you wouldn't find my fine literary pieces so titillating.

Submitted June 13-06

Oh my gosh!! I just read the dead crow story. That was the funniest thing I have ever heard!!!!! :D That had me laughing out loud. [Sandra, also known as the Asian Sensation].

Thanks, I am glad you liked it!!!!!

Submitted Nov 28, 2006

An email I received from one of my good friends.

Subject: Turd

Holy shit man, I am literally sweating and shaking after the dump I just took. Let me give you a little background.  For the last several days I have been partaking in the "South Beach Diet" with [Girlfriend, Name Removed].  This means that for two weeks I get no bread or sugar, so basically all I have eaten is veggies, cheese, meat and cheese. I really like cheese. 

Well yesterday was a strange day because I realized last night that I had not pooped in a day and a half.  This was alarming because I always make two trips daily to the throne. Much like people in a holy pilgrimage to Mecca, I bring offerings of reading materials and feces to the porcelain gods as a defense against such dumps as I had today.

Anyway, I finally feel the urge for Fecasso to make his long awaited return to the canvas. So, I go about the normal routine, grab the Michigan Out of Doors magazine, sit down, spread out and get to the business at hand.  I could feel the pressure from the turd and even the dilation of my fart box.  That's when something unusual happened...it came to a dead stop, much like an illegal who cant jump high enough to get over the fence.  I pushed, nothing happened.  Another push, nothing happened.  So, I decided to use the little known turd inhale technique, thinking that if I back the turd up and slam it forward that it would breach like a nuclear submarine during an emergency.  But, STILL nothing happened.

At this point I am becoming perplexed because I usually do not have this problem since I usually have a horrible diet of fast food which hurriedly exits my anoos in timely fashion. So, I decided to enjoy my reading material and wait.  

Unfortunately, the turd already had it's diabolical head poking out of my turd-cutter so I had to sit with a sphincter that was dilated to an estimated 42cm.  10 minutes, 20 minutes...nothing. So I decided to push like a mother giving birth to an unusually large headed child, still nothing happened.  Another push nothing happened, another push nothing happened.  At this point I have almost abandoned all hope and I start to contemplate what the rest of my life will be like with a baby fur seal partially protruding from my asshole.

Then, I remember a special that I saw on TLC about a woman giving birth and the breathing technique that was used to help with pushing the baby out with the most force possible while not passing out from lack of oxygen to the brain.  It was called Lamaze. So, I vaguely remember the fast breaths...PUSH...fast breaths PUSH and attempt to use it on this fecal behemoth.  After several rigorous attempts I began to feel it break loose, and with one more mighty push and a highly audible yell I managed to push the 13 inch, 4 pound 8 oz bundle of love into the water.  I proceeded to stand up and gaze upon its glory, even taking the time to poke it with the brush, thereby giving me the scientific data needed to make the size and weight estimates of the 91% muenster cheese monster. I feel lighter as if I were on a planet with slightly less gravity, yet light headed and shaky. I think I need a nap and a diaper, because it will take days for my self inflicted pink slipper to heal.
Thank Allah for Preparation H.

I really don't know what to say to this, except that it is quite apparent that you couldn't wait to tell me about this, even before it was all over for you, you were probably thinking about what you were going to write.  I am not sure if I should be appalled or honored.

 

Submitted July 23, 2007

Hi there Mike,